Sunday, July 3, 2011
On emo days, tumblr doesn't appear on any of my tabs.
I am so damn pissed at my dad.
The market's under renovation and there's no vacant stalls to resume operations and thus he started working from home.
Initially, I was perfectly fine with that.
Until my assumptions went haywire.
12am - 2am : arrival of imports and grinding of meat
11am - 1pm : another round of mincing and chopping
I need to live with this routine for the next year.
In the past, when he's resting during office hours due to the unusual operating times, we minimise all potential stimuli that can awake them from their slumber.
Now, I have a brother studying for his O levels, and I am about to start my preparations for the 2nd As.
Great, we're gonna be deprived of sleep and have our studies disrupted during peak hours.
Please take note that we have neighbours too, and that we have to live up to the stench, hygiene, and noise.
This is the 1st time in 8 years since we've moved in, that I've seen flies.
Really?
I would have kept my cool until he opened his mouth.
Demanding, unreasonable, unthoughtful, domineering and offensive.
Directed towards my mum.
She's helping you dude, she's not your maid.
I've always disliked him.
My cousin once told me that she was in a same situation.
That anger and intolerance towards her dad that's almost never appeased.
She said that as time passed, things changed for the better and their relationship improved.
I was quite confident when I said that my case's different.
I still am.
He does not know my birthday, my age, my school, my results, my life, my everything.
Likewise, I make no point to understand him and his activities.
One phone call to a customer at work forms more words than he'd ever speak to me in a year.
He's quiet but definitely not soft nor softspoken.
Once his blabberbox opens, which only does rather rarely, offensive and uncaring statements are released.
And I get so damn pissed at that.
家家有本难念的经, I know that.
Given that this scripture is written in a foreign language, and we are not gonna translate for one another, I believe the result becomes rather obvious.
Throughout these 19 years, no one's ever shown me the way to an ideal father.
No one's ever guided me, as a guy, through adolescence and adulthood.
It's left to my experimentation.
How I am supposed to act as a guy, to talk to other people, and to not end up like him.
I have no idea if I've missed out on any important component in my upbringing, but till now, I don't give a damn anymore.
Missing out for close to 2 decades, it's as good as permanent absence.
I've told my mum before; Caring for me doesn't equate to providing me with all material needs, wants and riches.
If that is the only thing you provide for me, when I grow up, Ima just pass a thousand a month for your living expenses - nothing else.
Ionno why but I feel as though I have noone to rely on.
I can't rely on anyone for I fear of myself being a disappointment worth their withdrawal from my life.
I depend on myself.
Me and my emo shit.
Please let me die at 40, I'd have lived life to my fullest (regrets).
This is illogical but if God is present at all, grant me this and I'd believe in you.
And I don't mind going to hell.
I should go to hell and not be reincarnated for such misery again.
I am in misery, there ain't nobody who can comfort me.