Monday, July 9, 2012
There are various treatments I prescribe to contagions I face.
Humanity itself is a disease, and if the New World Order is still in existence and in need of a humble, useless fellow, you have found yourself a member.
To people that I define mean nothing to me - mere footprints that are erased easily and definitely as that by the shoreline - I be nonchalant, illusive, even invisible.
The thing is we both know we are not in any capacity fit to contribute to a friendship beyond the office or school. And I don't even want to try because I just know it. I find no need to amuse myself for the time being seeing that such investment will yield no fruitful outcome.
Harsh and hostile. Yet not quite.
Yes, I make no effort to take part in your life but if you ever need my assistance I make sure I count. And I volunteer. Because that, while similarly having no fruitful outcome, is the way I am. Quite proud of that really, and the credit goes to my mother. So while I appear distant, people still tell me upfront that I am a nice guy.
And then there's treatment number two. The non-distant-Mr-Nice-Guy-treatment.
I've never quite given an analysis over who or what I am but the people I've mixed with over the last months made me think about it. Well, we talked about first impressions while held up or otherwise I should rephrase 'locked up' and away. First impressions of one another, and I presented a really bad one. Or at least they told me so. The thing is, if I don't smile which is sort of like all the time unless I'm interacting with people or listening to my favourite hit, I appear aggressive and horrifying even. Chao ah beng so they called.
Well the explanation is this: my pupils tend to shift up, occupying only the upper half of my eye most of the time unless I am smiling or peering down over people so yes, that is how I come off like some malevolent nazi.
Through the days, as interactions continue, I was titled The Rare Gem.
Apparently, I am the perfect guy. I don't know what I'd done but yeah they keep telling me that I'm too nice. Then I thought about it. No, I'm not nice. I am just extending what every individual should be doing to others they care about - they care for them. That's all I'd done. Care may have translated into assistance, confidences, or assurance but that's not much is it. And I am puzzled as to why they think I'm so good.
Because I think I'm a terrible bitch. And they have given off to me thinking that perhaps they really may not have met anyone like me ever. That made me feel sad for them questioning myself if they've ever made a single proper friend ever. Then they gave the how-can-you-not-have-had-any-girlfriend-before speech. This time it's different. The way they talk about it made it clear as though they knew I was the receptive party.
There's this other guy who told me that we were really alike. And that was during the initial week.
"In what way?" I asked.
"How we think and behave?" he answered.
"Well, great minds think alike," or so I thought was a witty reply.
He's a nice guy too. Not demeaning, but lesser of me I can say. And he's smart since he's going to do law in Singapore. He made me realise how complacent I am. I know I'm intelligent and because I know that I procrastinate until it's too late. That's a part of me I need to get rid of. I can get far in life but I don't see the meaning to do so. I'm living it now assuming I'm gonna die soon but if I don't in the near future, I will be screwed. Screwed big time.
How do you convince a fatalist to start living his life? You don't do you.