Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Initially wasn't thinking about it.
then it came a time when one jolly good fellow starts it and a neverending conversation follows.
yes, the results are coming out.
and what can i do now?
i've been running away from life and reality, to find them finally catching up with me.
welps at least i wasn't troubled in the past months.
and there goes another attempt at self-comfort.
i realise i try making myself feel better at my failures all the time.
OH, grades - EEES
"at least i passed 3"
"almost everyone failed that subject"
"just a test only, whatever"
the thing is that i sucked, and facepalm to me for trying to make myself feel better.
that is the reason why i never achieve.
such low standards of self-comfort/content.
even when i know i have no right to do so.
seriously, i just want a sufficient grade to secure a place in smu business.
that's all i ask for.
if i cant get that, i'd have no idea what would happen to me.
i cried for an entire day + 2 emo days when i got B for project work.
this incoming missile may be too much for me.
i am scared, darn scared.
especially if my mum says anything that kills me more.
unlike the O levels, i am really lost.
i have no clue what grades i should be expecting.
i am so depressed now, i have no words to describe it.
like seriously, i am like stoning into space and emoing.
very random flashes of thoughts, all jumbled you cant make up what you're exactly thinking of.
thats how lost i am.
what have i become.
can i continue on?
there's smu talks this weekend, and i really wanna attend it.
but if it's so bad bad bad, going for a talk about a course i'd never be given a spot in would be the most hurting thing ever.
mia weekend.
i'd prolly catch emo movies alone to vent everything out.
sit at the back row on the upper deck listening to listen/taking chances/i dreamed a dream, travelling from east to west and back again. screw the adult fares.
go for a run and dont stop.
if only i can find a sheltered place where noones goes to (even ghosts), and sit there and hit the floor and shout and scream and cry and whatever.
all while i say i am out with friends to 疗伤
this gonna be a big hurdle in life.
like those 2metre low walls in the military.
perhaps for half a year i'd try to mount over it.
eventually/hopefully, to find myself succeed.
or i may choose to be some jerk and act faint to run away from it.
or to hit myself in the wall so hard, everything grows numb and for once stops catching up with me.
yeah, i do cry.
so what? condemn me?
"aiyo how old already still cry"
"lol, guy also cry gay shit"
"he's weird"
go ahead and do it.
i may not know everything, but i know that this part of me is born this way.
good luck, i need plenty of those.