Wednesday, March 30, 2011
i had this dream last night/this morning.
THAT I GOT ON AMERICAN IDOL!
i have no idea how, but i've lived a lucid dream again.
i missed the auditions, and was at Chinatown in the USA i guess - since it's full of asians and the lighting is so not Singaporean.
and again i have no idea how, but i met Simon Cowell.
the irony is, he's already out of the idol show.
and so i said "i missed the auditions and can i please have a chance at this?"
i know right, i actually said that.
he gave me a weird look and told me to meet at this chinese restaurant tomorrow evening.
of course, i turned up and sang Forget You by Cee Lo
in front of Simon Cowell, Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler.
come to think of it, there's no Randy, and i prolly hated Paula too much that she's out of my dream/mind.
i still remember that Jennifer Lopez is sitting in the middle.
and it's a round table so i just stood at the opposite end where they're seated at and sang.
and they gave me 3 YES-ES!
i was soooooooo happy, i woke up.
that's the most ridiculous dream ever.
and is it just me, or it's just so that in dreams, your location is perfectly random.
Audition at Chinatown restaurant? really?
and Cowell's surprisingly friendly.
what a dream, lol.
Friday, March 25, 2011
I have never quite posted anything like this yet, so i thought that i should.
to sorta like come clean with myself.
or leave another footprint so i can play detective in the future.
so yeps, i got a temporary PES E.
and i dont get what's so significant/insignificant about that.
it's not about friends but more of a family kind of thing.
just some time ago, i cant recall the actual date and time but there was this family gathering - my grandma's birthday dinner.
it's never been dreadful, in fact i love such experiences.
the thing is, people have different views when it comes to me being a c.l.e.r.k.
i am not particularly proud of such a vocation, and hey i am not given ANY choice over it.
some of them wishes for their sons to enlist as a clerk, i mean that's perfectly fine.
but noone's been sensitive to what i am going through.
i mean, i've never given much thought to it anyways but it's this lot of people who've made me done so.
i know it sounds like an easy task, especially if you put it next to PES A commando training eh?
but i feel judged.
they didnt put it straight out, and not all of them did.
i just wanna say that i didnt sign up for this, wait i did, but not out of my own will.
if you think that i am a pussy just because i am going to be an office clerk while the other normal men goes training and sweating in the fields, then so be it.
so just shoo and stop judging people.
i am not going to be a loser just because i am a clerk.
especially since i didnt sign up for one.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Just came back from the last post-LASIK consultation, with 6/6 in both eyes.
but the doctor was in awe again, for my eyelashes are fantastic - in a bad way.
it's long for a guy, and yes i never trim it (we are not supposed to trim our eyelashes right?)
but length is not the gist.
it's where these lashes are attracted to.
yes, wala, my eyes.
it's forever pointing down, and for your information it's much longer than it seems because a fraction of it is hidden under my eyelids.
since the strands of eye-hair inevitably pricks on my eyes, corneal cells may be damaged.
in severe cases, it results in infections and scarring.
but what i am concerned most is, astigmatism.
astig is a refractive error caused by irregularities on the surface structure of the eye.
an astig-free eye is perfectly spherical, but one diagnosed with astig is usually oblong, like an american football.
wait i am digressing again.
astig = light cant bend and focus perfectly due to a flawed corneal surface.
flawed, whereby it's not completely smooth but in the case i am trying to refer to, sandpaper-ish.
this sandpaper effect is achieved, in prolonged periods, by the war between my eyelashes and cornea.
and the eyelashes always win, because it's so freaking long and it pricks my eyeball while my eye can't retaliate and it can do nothing but ummm, cry. i know right, pathetic little eyes.
let me illustrate it better; sorry but this post is so choppy.
you poke a slice of aloe vera with a needle.
while you cant see the indentations, it's there, and it takes time to heal.
and if healing is impaired, it becomes a scar - one that you cant see.
ironic right, a scar that is never noticed.
thus astig! and astig = glasses.
so however girlish it may be, i gonna be using an eyelash curler and continue to put on eyedrops.
because, my drooping eyelids (medically termed "entropion") will cost me another $3000-$7000 for a correction by some senior plastic surgeon.
and i am not going for another cosmetic surgery, prior to the LASIK one, anytime soon.
i may get a nosejob/eyelid-job/eyebag-job/facial-fat-job in the future though.
KIDDING, but i just may.
we'd never know what's coming at us, even if we try deciphering it in any way.
omg i shall do another mini post.
fringe said this which i shared on facebook.
Nothing just happens. Every event has a message - you just have to lean close enough to hear it.
I do believe that there are "observers" in this world who have planned our lives in some way.
what's for dinner, and what i am going to type next.
nothing just happens you know, whether if you've flunged your As or gotten 2.2 for GPA.
it may be a call for you to pull yourself up, or that that someone is wanting you to be a nurse/engineer because you are fated to be one - but a good one.
in monopoly, there's fate and chance.
while fate is pre-determined, you are given a chance to choose.
after making your choice, ultimately, it leads you to your destiny.
so let's just say that this observer who is governing your life has marked out 10 possible destinies.
and every destiny falls under a different band of points.
every correct/good choice = 1 point and incorrect/bad choice = -1 point.
and let's assume that for every 10 points, you move on to another destiny.
at 0 point, you are destined to be a normal worker for some boss.
at 10 points, you are going to be an accomplished worker with multiple big projects and given more chances to make choices.
at 50 points, you are given your dream.
so we should try working hard to make every choice a right one, because a wrong one will require your 2 more ticks to make it +1 when it could have been +1 from that 1st choice alone.
this may sound bullshit.
but i think it works the same for karma.
and i believe in karma, as well as this.
it may not be true, but it makes me a better person i hope.
and no i still dont believe in god(s), because there're some parts of it that i find inappropriate.
i dont mind going to hell, but i want to live my before-afterlife well, where i help those who i want to, and be as good and useful and wanted and appreciated and amiable as possible.
and if i am still going to hell even after that, due to the fact that i dont believe in them, it proves my belief even more.
if you are smart enough, you will get what i am hinting at.
Monday, March 14, 2011
To-do list before i enter monkhood:
1. Teoheng
2. Sentosa
3. Cheesecakes
4. Camwhore session with my hair (i know right)
5. Timbre
6. Anywhere else with nice drinks, even if there's no ethanol inside
and yes, i havent told anyone about this yet but i doubt i'd have time to meet anyone for the coming 7 months.
because my camp is at choa chu kang area and the journey back home will never be as daunting as that.
considering to move into my aunt's place near woodlands, but it's just a thought since i'd be a HUGE bother to their hectic lives.
moreover, i am a glutton.
i may request to stay in camp, but that depends on my officer or what you call that.
plus i will be retaking my As, so studying will be a priority.
sorta like for once ever since i graduated from ngee ann?
so weekends will be packed with tuitions and self-study.
that makes me MIA, for at least 7months.
and i will make sure i make no time for life.
i need to trade life for better grades.
so yeps, good luck everyone.
and see you soon, i hope.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
thinking of taking the As again.
maybe during the 2nd year of NS.
and now i thank NS, and hope that they make me perm PES E.
i really want to do this all over again, by myself.
researching the possible areas, with the prerequisite that i will NOT be given a seat in SMU business admin.
rather than being sad and down about it, i'd rather buck up and even if it means dying in NS, i want this.
badly.
somehow, i am motivated to do justice to myself by the work at expo.
i know i can do this, and i knew i was complacent.
so, i will stay committed and start studying now.
1st, i'd need to get my notes ready.
and know how to go about applying for the spa exams and stuff.
wish me luck please, and here comes the driven qihao.
not the stupidly bored and enjoying-life asshole.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
This is stupid but I am blogging with my phone again.
It almost never pays to be early on outings.
Went to smu open house earlier, what was great was that I really like the system there and the education there seems to be an interesting and pleasant one.
all long I've only wanted to go to smu and nowhere else.
So me going to the open house is just to add in to my wish-full thinking of me in that environment.
Please let me be shortlisted for the business interview and I will do anything to get in. Even if it means severing my arm.
Ok maybe if I am anaesthetised first.
14k applicants per year and only 1.7k gets in.
That's so depressing.
The competition is so fierce, and I am really scared.
Gah, ionno what to do if I don't get through.
Now I need a god who grants me everything.
Friday, March 4, 2011
I have been telling everyone in this world, but noones seems to believe me.
ionno about the other colleges but the GP system in VJ is screwed.
omg general paper is supposed to test your general knowledge no?
that means that it should cover an extensive base of subjects, from nuclear to politics to afghanistan to obama to sociology to human to ethics to everything and anything.
what the school / my GP teacher taught me was that we have to memorise this list of information.
subsequently you choose a question in the paper that pertains to the same topic you memorised - like environment to "Environmental degradation should be the last thing developing countries worry about."
and wala, you regurgitate everything onto the script and passes the stained essay back to the examiner.
Before i went to JC, i thought that i'd love essay writing in GP lessons.
because it's a platform for me to express my views coupled with what i know about this world.
i was told that this was wrong, like terribly wrong.
at times i was told directly to MUST WRITE about kyoto's protocol and lolwhat.
it's so frustrating when someone tells me that what i've written is wrong when it's supposed to be a "general paper".
my thoughts on "general paper" is that there is no right or wrong, its entirely based on the way you argue and use your points.
isnt that supposed to be the way?
always say that us youths are politically apathetic and softspoken.
it's more of like we are deprived from freedom of speech and that we are always shot down by the perceived "know-all" adults.
this is not something that i should be proud of, but i've not touched a single page of those GP notes, and they are even in such good quality they qualify for resale.
because, i know that the british value what we think.
and not what we were SUPPOSED to think.
i didnt exactly finish my AQ, and i have no idea how i did for my compre.
but what i do know is that i need a rather good essay to score in GP.
i did, and i am not flaunting it.
i am just mad at how the system functions, and how pointless it is.
if a mediocre guy like me who fancies reading thriller novels can do well in GP when others who vomit the "ideal" answers cant get fantastic results, something is wrong. (not with me but the way things work here)
and i'd always been the borderline pass for GP in VJ and I almost always failed the content section.
hey my grammar is not good, really. i re-read this couple of times to rephrase them.
and screw the GP system, i am glad i wrote what i'd wanted to.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Initially wasn't thinking about it.
then it came a time when one jolly good fellow starts it and a neverending conversation follows.
yes, the results are coming out.
and what can i do now?
i've been running away from life and reality, to find them finally catching up with me.
welps at least i wasn't troubled in the past months.
and there goes another attempt at self-comfort.
i realise i try making myself feel better at my failures all the time.
OH, grades - EEES
"at least i passed 3"
"almost everyone failed that subject"
"just a test only, whatever"
the thing is that i sucked, and facepalm to me for trying to make myself feel better.
that is the reason why i never achieve.
such low standards of self-comfort/content.
even when i know i have no right to do so.
seriously, i just want a sufficient grade to secure a place in smu business.
that's all i ask for.
if i cant get that, i'd have no idea what would happen to me.
i cried for an entire day + 2 emo days when i got B for project work.
this incoming missile may be too much for me.
i am scared, darn scared.
especially if my mum says anything that kills me more.
unlike the O levels, i am really lost.
i have no clue what grades i should be expecting.
i am so depressed now, i have no words to describe it.
like seriously, i am like stoning into space and emoing.
very random flashes of thoughts, all jumbled you cant make up what you're exactly thinking of.
thats how lost i am.
what have i become.
can i continue on?
there's smu talks this weekend, and i really wanna attend it.
but if it's so bad bad bad, going for a talk about a course i'd never be given a spot in would be the most hurting thing ever.
mia weekend.
i'd prolly catch emo movies alone to vent everything out.
sit at the back row on the upper deck listening to listen/taking chances/i dreamed a dream, travelling from east to west and back again. screw the adult fares.
go for a run and dont stop.
if only i can find a sheltered place where noones goes to (even ghosts), and sit there and hit the floor and shout and scream and cry and whatever.
all while i say i am out with friends to 疗伤
this gonna be a big hurdle in life.
like those 2metre low walls in the military.
perhaps for half a year i'd try to mount over it.
eventually/hopefully, to find myself succeed.
or i may choose to be some jerk and act faint to run away from it.
or to hit myself in the wall so hard, everything grows numb and for once stops catching up with me.
yeah, i do cry.
so what? condemn me?
"aiyo how old already still cry"
"lol, guy also cry gay shit"
"he's weird"
go ahead and do it.
i may not know everything, but i know that this part of me is born this way.
good luck, i need plenty of those.