Saturday, December 25, 2010
It's really wild right now, been thinking a lot again.
you know, sometimes there is a choice for you to make.
and sometimes, or rather most of the time, at least one of them is theoretically correct or beneficial to you in some sense.
and at that juncture before you decide on anything, you simply have no clue as to what you will bring yourself into; should i play safe or should i venture?
only when the decision has concluded will you know the outcome after it's implementation. when this so-called outcome brings good, i don't usually brood over it, less giving recognition to it.
but when i made a bad decision and realised it's impact, i just fall into this deep autistic and sometimes aggressive trance thinking over and over about it.
what makes it worse this time is that while i was given 2 options, both of them will bring me nowhere i want to be.
yes, it's really complicated.
you know, sometimes i really dont understand myself.
with some people, i exclude myself from the crowd and i think that i dampen the atmosphere. it's not that i dont like them or enjoy being with them, but i just cant bring myself into the picture. i feel left out, and it's not anyone's fault but mine. i leave myself out. and when you gave that 1st impression, it's really difficult to turn things around. at least for me, it aint easy at all.
and if i dont join these wonderful people, i feel bad, as though i dont give a damn to these people who have in a way or another left a footprint in my life, giving me flares of memories that is rekindled as i do a flashback.
guess what, i chose to run away from them in hope that i wouldnt feel weird around them. it worked, i didnt think as much but when i see what i definitely would have seen, it just made me regret.
and guess what again, if i'd made the opposite choice, i'd also somehow regret.
so it's either regret not being with them, or regret self-excluding myself.
i have a sad life. trust me, i have a sadder life.
it's as though i have thousands of bottled thoughts. i dont share most of them, because sometimes, really, some things are better left unsaid.
damn, i really regret it.
what can i do about it?
nothing.