Monday, December 27, 2010
MOVIES!
AND MORE MOVIES!
yesh, my life is filled with drama and unrealistic fantasies at the moment.
all thanks to the perfect fiction depicted by some idealistic director.
some movies can last for 2.15hours and make you sit at the edge from the half-time mark, not because it's too high for you, but coz you cant wait to lift your butt off the seat and leave the theatre for good.
then, there are some films, even at the 2.08hour mark, you dont want to let go and continue indulge in some like of "awwwwwww, so sweeeeet ending". or worse, there's no ending, if you get what i am talking about. a nice movie without a proper ending is like a human without a head. no matter how much fashion you have on you, you still freak people out and turn people off.
so i just finished <小孩。狗> on catchup tv - it's my 1st time finding and watching a mediacorp film. i was sorta like enticed by the trailer.
coz i love the cast.
the leads and the little boys are all famous to me.
and the plot, my guess back then, would be saddistic and emoish.
and boy am i right. it's really sad.
the concept is simple, but it brings out the essence, it must be coz of her acting.
she's like the best actress i'd ever seen!
not like some nyonya who cant differentiate between anger and joy.
so fail, lol.
so yes, this 2 hour and 8 minute film is the best i'd seen these months.
definitely better than tron and the god focker.
even tho it's not in HD, it's undeniably a good film.
ONLY if you watch movies under the category "DRAMA".
drama is sorta like my thing, just like why some people only watches horror or comedy, i sorta like drama more.
coz it's unrealistic and beautiful.
the forbidden fruit is always the most alluring, no?
:D
Saturday, December 25, 2010
It's really wild right now, been thinking a lot again.
you know, sometimes there is a choice for you to make.
and sometimes, or rather most of the time, at least one of them is theoretically correct or beneficial to you in some sense.
and at that juncture before you decide on anything, you simply have no clue as to what you will bring yourself into; should i play safe or should i venture?
only when the decision has concluded will you know the outcome after it's implementation. when this so-called outcome brings good, i don't usually brood over it, less giving recognition to it.
but when i made a bad decision and realised it's impact, i just fall into this deep autistic and sometimes aggressive trance thinking over and over about it.
what makes it worse this time is that while i was given 2 options, both of them will bring me nowhere i want to be.
yes, it's really complicated.
you know, sometimes i really dont understand myself.
with some people, i exclude myself from the crowd and i think that i dampen the atmosphere. it's not that i dont like them or enjoy being with them, but i just cant bring myself into the picture. i feel left out, and it's not anyone's fault but mine. i leave myself out. and when you gave that 1st impression, it's really difficult to turn things around. at least for me, it aint easy at all.
and if i dont join these wonderful people, i feel bad, as though i dont give a damn to these people who have in a way or another left a footprint in my life, giving me flares of memories that is rekindled as i do a flashback.
guess what, i chose to run away from them in hope that i wouldnt feel weird around them. it worked, i didnt think as much but when i see what i definitely would have seen, it just made me regret.
and guess what again, if i'd made the opposite choice, i'd also somehow regret.
so it's either regret not being with them, or regret self-excluding myself.
i have a sad life. trust me, i have a sadder life.
it's as though i have thousands of bottled thoughts. i dont share most of them, because sometimes, really, some things are better left unsaid.
damn, i really regret it.
what can i do about it?
nothing.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
and so i went for this medical checkup.
it's called the tilt table test trying to prove the presence of something called dysautonomia.
the term sounds impressive and i'd never heard it before.
so page after page, i got links from tilt table to dysautonomia to the causes and it's cures.
Then i read about the symptons of such a condition:
1.fatigue
2.faintness
3.low exercise tolerance
4.tingles
5.anxiety
6.vague aches
initially, way before i knew of this thing called dysau, i thought that whatever i was going through was due to me being some sort of loser or something.
you know, from never passing napfa to being some weak guy with nightmares and occasional feelings dealt with increasing frequencies, speeds and anxiety. i really thought they were normal, as in like, you've always been like this and has never considered something to be anomalous until you get hold on some material or credit from some big guy. i know i have fainting spells, but i went to the GP and he couldnt come up with anything.
so i knew what the test was going to be about. my posture will be changed and my blood pressure will be monitored. and all was well for the 1st 30min. after which they introduced an oral spray called isuprel. from the doctor and the nurse, it causes your heart to go faster and if you cant keep up with the pace, your blood pressure will fall and you will faint. i didnt tho, ionno if i was lucky or what. but i knew my heart was thumping crazily i could guess about 140? about cardio stats i suppose coz i'd almost never felt it thump so quickly.
"i can feel my heart thumping super quickly."
and the nurse replied, "yes, i can see that." as she continued staring at the machine with electrodes connected to my thorax or whatever you call that.
and then, i felt light-headed. so much so that i almost couldnt convey what i wanted to say. i sorta just stoned as my vision got blurry. (again)
it's been months since this vision thingy hit me. and to be in the situation again on purpose wasnt exactly that pleasant.
so it got blurrer and darker and eventually i couldnt see anything at all. all was black and the doctor was trying to wave at me i think, but i couldnt see so oh wells.
no worries, really. everytime i see those channel 8 drama serials where people lose their eyesight they go loony. i dont understand why there's a need to overreact. so i was pretty calm just that i was bursting out in cold sweat already.
and so i was brought to a flat posture resting on the tiltable bed. it got better and the dizziness didnt go away just yet.
i cant see, but i could hear. and so there was this stream of numbers coming from the female nurse.
i know that it's the heart rate followed by the blood pressure.
90,109/59.
and just prior to these figures my heart was thumping so quickly, and my blood pressure at rest was about 120/70. (its not exactly at reat, given a test environment, you cant possibly cool down completely can you?)
she also said something else "fall in heart rate followed by blood pressure"
then i went to ask if it was normal for me to react this way.
he gave a straightforward reply "No"
and continued to add "but then again, we used the medicine to initiate light-headedness to you so it may be due to you being intolerant to the drug."
somehow, i just felt that he was trying to comfort and assure me that nothing fatal is going on within me.
so this was what happened at the hospital.
and i came home to check on more articles regarding this test and condition and out of curiosity the drug that they prescribe to me during the test.
this drug isuprel accelerates heart activity, and in this test, usually, people with dysautonomia will feel light-headed upon the ingestion of this medicine, and probably faint due to a fall in blood pressure.
i did feel faint but didnt actually lose consciousness. but i reacted to this drug negatively, so it cant be a good thing can it?
and then i went to check on vision loss, and it's also associated to a term called syncope which is also a synonym for dysau. theoretically, a fall of blood pressure of 20 Hg will contribute towards a failure in the test, and i dont think my bp dropped that drastically. 20?! crazy ah, i may die if it drop by 20 leh!
so i need to wait for a week to get to my diagnosis appointment.
hopefully its just me being paranoid and nothing is wrong which means that this may be a bullshit post. but i just felt like sharing, at least i feel alot easier knowing that i'd written what i am going through out. and i may come back 10 years later and laugh at myself being such a paranoid imp. by the way, there is no effective cure for this condition and cases are really really extreme. but if i really have this thing, then i have a reason for failing my napfa right? they cant possibly put me in 3 month extension or something right? i wish, lol.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
I realise i come to this place to vent my frustrations.
I mean like seriously, you are pissing everybody off continuously, and you still think that you are right.
It's not just me, i asked around. sometimes i can be oversensitive about things and may judge people irrationally.
BUT, i dont think i am wrong this time, seriously.
maybe the word 'fuck' may be too powerful.
then again, isn't it a great word to imply your anger at the fundamental level?
so many people has asked him to shut up, and he is so-called obliged to answer.
you guys know how much i hated ryan. and when i compared him to ryan, that was the 1st move to ask him to stop.
FUCK I AM SO PISSED. i take time to organise stuff and i get this kind of shit.
if you happen to read this, please tell me if the word 'fuck' is too offensive in the context. coz if it is, then i'd prolly be sorry that i used it but i wont regret using it on him.
i hate it to come to a point when you people have to choose between either of our existence. i feel bad making people being at a tough spot, deep in a dilemna - and i'd prolly exclude myself by default.
OMG, I CANT STAND IT. WTF IS WRONG (with me?)!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
BAH! i am so pissed i shall blog about it.
This is whatever that happened.
This guy came knocking at my door.
I opened it and gosh some sissy was there which totally freaked me out.
"Hi, are you the only adult here?"
"I am ACTUALLY not an adult yet."
"Oh, actually, I am a poly graduate promoting my product. I am actually an entrepreneur."
I gave the "right...again,,," look.
"So, you must have just come home from school right?"
I LIED. "YES"
"Must be from Manjusri?"
I replied with the GOTOHELL tone, "NO!"
From then on, I was grossed out by him.
"As youngsters, you must have seen this before right?"
and so he hands out a pink quadrilateral box with no labels or anything on it.
AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
"No?", i said.
"OHHH, it's a nail buffer,"
BANGS MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL. SO A PINK BOX IS A NAIL BUFFER. WOAHHH, I CAN USE THE TISSUE BOX TO BUFF MY NAILS UNTIL BLING BLING WOR!
"ok...", i said in some couldnt-give-a-damn way.
I intercepted him and said, "I don't think anyone in my family would find any use for it, we have 4 males cohabiting here."
"Right, and I just saw your mum."
"My mum doesnt use such things."
"Can you just ask her here for a second?"
CAN SOMEONE KILL HIM PLEASE?
My mum further explained that she is the only female in the house and she finds no use for it.
He then explained that even GUYS use it and that its not only for beautification but also for hygiene.
"It rids the dead skin off!"
WOW, do you not know that the entire nail is comprised of dead skin? YOU MIGHT AS WELL TEAR YOUR WHOLE NAIL OFF!
"It also kills germs."
ROFLMAO! Nail buffers that kill germs! After you buff your nails, wear a glove or something, coz when you place the buffer on the table and accidently touches the table's front, you get germeified again. Oh wait, while wearing the glove, you already got germified. I mean like, germs are omnipresent, and can someone explain to me how buffing your nails, and not washing your hands, actually kills germs?!
Finally, my mum, out of her guilt and pity for this desperate guy, bought one for $7. 1stly, you called me an overaged adult, then you assumed i come from Manjusri, then, you made me feel stupid coz i cant tell that a pink box is a nail buffer, then you seriously thought that a 1-woman household has great use for a anti-bacterial nail buffer, and lastly, as the product propagator, you did not know that nails are organised dead cells thats why you can use a penknife and scratch it and dont feel a thing.
GOSH, KILL HIM! Entrepreneur?! DO SOME MARKET RESEARCH OR SOMETHING SO THAT YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT NAILS. AND THIS GUY CANT COMMUNICATE CORRECTLY. You dont assume that a pure and innocent child like me is an aged adult, and dont quote a not-so-good school for me coz when i tell you my JC, which although i may not be particularly proud to be in, i am pretty sure it will startle you. AND TRY APPROACHING GUYS ON ORCHARD ROAD AND ASK THEM TO BUY NAIL BUFFERS FOR PERSONAL USE. I have never heard of one guy who uses some anti-pathogenic nail buffer. I mean, when people see my blingbling nails, they will exclaim "QIHAO, YOU BUFF YOUR NAILS AH?!" in some astonished accent which implied that normal guys dont buff nails. I personally dont, and dont see why i should, unless i become some celebrity of something.
IF anyone of you guys buff your nails, i am sorry to offend you. But if you do, please tell me: is it for beautifying purposes or for hygiene. We all have the right to be vain and i dont condemn that. BUT for better hygiene? ASHIKIN - you need to teach me bio again coz i failed to recognise that buffing dead cells = improved hygiene.
Sentence of the day - "LEARN YOUR WORDS AS A SERVICE PROVIDER"
I still cant get over the adult and Manjusri thing.
By the way, whether you like it or not, OFFICIAL ADULT AGE IN SINGAPORE = 21