Thursday, January 28, 2010
Only when the day is realised, am i truly devastated by my decisions.
i may have screwed all my exams and whatsoever, but i missed the true essence of being myself.
when i saw the facils running here and there, there was this suspension of feelings inside me.
it's not really that easily described, but i guess the closest word is "regretful", with some bits of "why-am-missing-out-from-all-these".
it's weird.
i just miss orientation, and i just missed one of last ones.
just what was wrong with me when i decided not to sign up for the facils interview?
the Rpapers? whattheheck, i am thoroughly pissed with myself now.
i am lost, not knowing what to do for the next few subject days while my friends are having fun with the freshies around the school, it's not that easy to crash - i dont really know everyone in school or a particular og - and that will probably make me feel rather weird being attached to any.
probably the biggest regret in my life, yet.
and you shoould know the feeling when you are regretful of your actions.
it's undescribable, and most importantly, it doesnt feel good.
sorry for any typo, but i am having difficulty seeing things clearly.
my eyes got sensitive to my contacts, and i still knowingly put the lenses on.
blame it on me.
and my ears are a little impaired too, from a blast of soundwaves through my ipod.
dont ask me why i blasted it, i dont know too.
my voice is rather squeaky, recovering from a 9-day-old cough.
life hasnt been partically good for me, with some disappointments, regrets, pisses and melancholy here and there.
one of the worst things today, besides my regret - i tried to explain to my mum how i felt missing out from the orientation and she asked me to not care about it and just focus on my studies.
she doesnt understand me that much after all.
well, i dont understand myself at well - what can i expect?
oh wells, have some great time.
disappointed in
Friday, January 1, 2010
Greats, HAPPY new year.
the adjective stressed is yet a subjective term.
while people, dull people like us, wishes everyone a greater year ahead, and receiving the identical regards, just WHO can tell me that this brand new year's gonna get more active, and filled with fun, love, peace and laughter?
i am a bore. i bore people and, most importantly, myself.
at times, many times, i wonder about my existence - is it gonna change anyone's life at all? i can't even make my life better, less say others'.
a bit sad. but true.
i am a liar too. i lie to people and, most importantly, myself.
i tell people "your life's gonna get a whole lot better", and "look on the bright side, at least you didn't die" but deep down, i know that it's not gonna be so, but at least i said something, and contributed to allow one to be comforted.
and hey, how many times have i told myself, ima gonna study today, but end up... lets not talk about this, i am supposed to be studying now.
i am a sucker. i sacrifice my time for people, till at times people take me for granted. it's true that my existence is equivalent to my absence and yet i make myself present. for that, i am a sucker.
i think i am nice to people, at least i try to, and feel good about it. but sometimes, am i too nice to people? i am not even nice to myself. if i could go through mitosis, my other me would hate me and never befriend me. lol.
i hate myself. i hate the way i walk, i hate the way i do things, i hate my white hair, i hate my stretch marks, i hate scars, i hate my looks, i hate me.
i am not an emo though, since people always refer them to self-mutilating acts and red, black and white. i think i am an emoling though, like a halfing. all sad, closed up and stupid.
i am stupid. very stupid. very very stupid. i just cant stand my stupidity.
i think alot. only about the bad things though. but i like thinking about bad things. its better than trying to think about the good things. bad things and good things both being memorable, but there's still a difference. bad things are predominant over the goodies. for example, i spend a larger fraction of my life being sad, than being happy.
you know what? life just sucks.
we work so hard for a better life after our certificate, after our paychecks. but hey dudes, think about it, you life just blinked away. whatever that you are doing now is YOUR LIFE. you study for like 18years for a cert and after that you work and work and work. ALL FOR A BETTER LIFE. and when you got your so-called better life, you dont really give any damn for it, and work more for another BETTER BETTER LIFE. in the process, you are killing your life. you dont have a life. you work and study 6 days a week, yes 6, no typo, and have a remaining one quality day to shop, spend time with your family, your darlings, and friends. lol. ridiculous.
so, yeps. what a way to start my new year, but hey... at least these are the true resolutions coming from me.
not like, OMG I WANT AN IPOD.
and OMFG, I WANT TO GROW TALLER.
jerks. lol.