Friday, February 22, 2008
to inform you all that there is a 40% chance of making this blog private at 10pm tmr..."ts not of laziness...
but sths that happened to me lately...
not exactly lately...
but ya...
the proportions may change due to unforseen circumstances...
ok, so all the happy things are forgotten easily, coz the sad things surrounding me just continue to multiply rapidly...
so, i believed noone has ever heard this from me before...
"Reasons for private blogging"
so...from the time the blog started...
i can see the changes revolving around him...
he's a completely changed person...
yet people around him fail to see through him...
no doubt that the ways he act constantly contribute to the success of remaining "camouflaged"
among his peers...
he knows how much it takes for him to continue doing...
the energy that is drained...
being happy is the most tiring task for any depressed being around...
moreover, above all of his depressed expressions...
he believed that he is suffering from pre-depression illnesses...
he lies in the stage just before "depression" comes into the picture...
he had symptons ; symptons that noone realises...
people are playing around a guy in tremendous suffering....
yet he doesn mind...
he cried more often this year...
as compared to the 12months in 1587...
he doesn even think he belonged in this modern world...
a world full of changes; a world full of challenges...
he turned suicidal...
he even thought of the best plan to attempt suicide...
"agglutimation of blood cells in the body by extracting blood from AB brother and injecting into the O him"...
so...he can die of something similar to that of a heart attack...
his idol is L...
coz even L can choose his death...
L was trying to walk with a straight back before leaving N (in the movie...)
it really commands tonnes of courage and strength to be able for L to do that...
coz he was make N feel less sad that he is leaving...
he knows that he is going to die at 11.59.59pm that day...
and the sun is already fading off...
he contributed all the remaining days of his life assisting those in need...
thats emo...but he admired L...
at least he could die...
the others in the cinema were just laughing at L trying to straighten his back...
he believed he was the only one nerdish and dumb enough to actually tear at that scene...
these were even more drastic times when he practically cried...
in the public...
he was having a performance somewhere and sometime in his sad life...
and he received a message that showed : " that was a nice performance"
he didn reply...
he knew that he screwed the performance up...
and people doesn know that...
so the standards could have been way better without him...
he was just an interference...
lowering everyone's honour there...
he turned emo...
and left for home earlier...
alone.
during the walk to the train station...
he thought a lot...
about his life...
about him as an entire person...
and he took a train to his "destination"...
where he walked home...
and he thought of "do i have the energy and strength to continue remain happy at all?"
he was deceiving himself...
all long he had been remaining happy...
to be more precise...
he'd tried be to happy...
and succeeded so far...
and for the future years to come...
he thought hard at the question...
still clueless to the answer, he teared as he walked home...
a 10min walk lasted for 30min...
the tears were in beads and beads...
he shook each and every bead of it off...
and somehow, he did that action for more than 30 times...
finally he reached his house...
he contained himself for 5min before ascending by the lift back to his apartment...
then, he made sure he looked normal...
and until recently...
his temper was raging very badly...
his brother was disturbing him from his sleep by talking very loudly with another brother...
and that made the exhausted him furious...
he pratically scolded "**** off" 3 times...
and woke up in the end...
coz he couldn stand it any longer...
he reached for his drawer and withdrew clothes for his night-bath...
and he accidently kicked over his brother's thigh...
he continued to the toilet...
to find himself welcomed with the brother, trying to retaliate...
that made him extremely pissed...
and a fight broke out...
the brother was merely coiled up with his legs pointing out; kicking in a spiral manner, similar to that of a seal jugging a ball with its tail...
and the angered him tried to hit him...
his legs went faster and he was injured by his brother...
not leg, but toenails...
the white part was about 1 cm long jutting out from the transparent part that already extended 2 cm longer than normal...
his toe bled... it was a very bad cut...
then, the mother came into the picture...
she effectively stopped the fight and accused the elder him for everything...
"you shouldn have hit him this way!"
"see?there's a slight bruise already!" she said both sentences...
that was a badminton bruise...
he didn even do anything to him yet...
and he didn start the fight and
he didn do anything wrong at all...
yet his rebuttal failed terribly....
"fine!i am always in the wrong!"
then he rushed off for my bath...
which took a very long time...
he cried again...
this time...
for an extended period of time...
as he finished his bath,he sat on the chair in the living room...
he thought of everything again...
and was once again drenched in his own tears...
he remained in that state till 1am in the morning...
not forgetting that he was still as exhausted from the day's activities...
he was thinking in school..
so much so that he didn realise people calling out for him...
that made his friend feel very upset...
and he didn know what to do about it...
he was thinking:
failure in academics...
failure in interests...
failure in cca...
failure in expressing...
failure in life...
to be continued
so, how do you like the story that i had come up with? :D
nice right? :D
i will post more as i get inspirations...
bye :D
恶魔之心，不可无